coming out of the closet

i have recently left the LDS church. i already have a blog that i post on about my life, my daughter and my adventures. but i have so many LDS friends and family members that i cannot post my feelings on what i do or do not believe on that blog. instead i have made this seperate blog. the link is on the side bar to my original blog. so, for those of you who have found your way here- congratulations. you have looked at my blog in great detail and noticed a change. i feel so flattered that you are (1) that interested in my blog to have noticed the new link and (2) still reading this even after having read my warning sign at the top. this means that you are (everyone together now) open-minded. i love that word.

i first want to explain what i have been going through lately. since so many of my friends and relatives are LDS the only one i have been able to talk to this about it my husband. but sometimes ya just need to vent. some choose to vent about the effort it takes to exercise as they sit lazily on the computer, some choose to vent about their 4 kids. i- well i am choosing to finally vent about the secerets i have been going through for several months.

a couple months ago john finally told me that the LDS church just isn't true. it was like a ton of bricks was lifted off my shoulders. i was finally understood. i could finally tell my husband my deepest darkest secerets. i finally had nothing to hide. it's all out in the open, except for the fact that i don't know how to break this to all my friends and my family. so for months we were in hiding. it was a little fun. kinda like when you're seeing someone your not suppossed to. like jim and pam from the office. i bet they had great sex for a while there. a couple days ago we dropped the bomb. all of our closest friends know. john had already told his family. everyone is being a lot more supportive than i thought. it's a little rough. i know some people are disappointed. i know some people are confussed, judgemental, weirded out, awkward... it will get better though.

but first it has to get worse. i hadn't told my family yet. to be honest, the feeling of living a life that was unknown to my parents and siblings made me feel icky. over the recent years i have been a great advocate of honesty, and integrity. so i just couldn't continue to live like this when i knew i believed differently.

i emailed my mom, dad, brother and sister in law. after i sent those painful words, everyone now knows. it's a liberating feeling. although, i can't help but compare it to what it might feel like for a gay person to come out of the closet. i can't help but say that i know what it feels like. my dad emailed me back saying that at first, he didn't know if i was joking or not, and then said he was too sad to say anything else. i responded saying that i was serious and to take his time with his feelings. my sister in law was supportive. my mom and brother said nothing. i haven't talked to any of them yet. no one has called, no one has emailed. i did though, ask them to not call me. i feel scared, ok! i KNOW they are disappointed in me. i just did the hardest most painful thing i could ever do to my family. time will tell what will come of this though. at least i can say i am honest now.

anyway- we did go to church today. i am not anti-mormon. i am not angry. i like going. my friends are there, i consider it more a social gathering than a religious experience. i was touched though to see all my friends go up and "bear a testimony" this sunday, which was probably the first time i have seen ANY of them do it. the sunday after i tell them i don't believe anymore. i am just touched to see them happy. hey- if going up and crying at the pulpit makes you happy, that's cool. i cry at peanut butter commericals. it makes me feel better inside. like i have "feelings". i can say i'm sensitive now because i cried at a peanut butter commercial.

the bishop has met with us a couple times. we met with him today after church. you may think that's really cool that although we have totally denounced the church, we are still taking time to meet with the bishop. we're open minded, remember? it went ok. we talked back and forth about polygamy. just the tip of the ice burg though- or the caramel topping on my frappuccino as i like to say it. there are lots of issues we have been troubling over. i will get into those later. i want to feel like i have a voice- even if it is on a private blog- but i want my beliefs and opinions heard. so, after we talked for a while we handed over our temple recommends. yes... take a second to grab a tissue if you really do feel that sad. anyway- before i handed it over i took a second to explain that back in august of 2007 when i had my latest temple recommend interview i had doubts and felt uneasy during my interview. given that i never did have it signed by a member of the stake presidency- made it invalid anyways. i remember that interview. he kept asking me questions and to most of them i knew i was lying. i felt horrible. i never saw the stake presidency and i am glad. i think i can say that that action of mine is an example of the most integrity i have ever had in my entire life. i could have lied and went on to the next interview to please my husband . and he did bring it up. "amberly, you need to make an appointment with the stake presidency to get your recommend signed". i just couldn't do it.

anyhow... that brings us to my coming out of the closet. i am completly out. everyone knows. i do not believe in the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. i am not a temple recommend holder. i do not sustain the prophet. what do i believe you may be asking? well, that question will be answered in blogs to come. peace out.