a story, By AMBERLY

i was making attempts at changing the URL of this blog to something else that doesn't have my name in it. while doing that, i was entering many different combinations of words. if the address i was attempting to use was taken, i would type that address into my web browser to see what that blog was about. all of them have one or two posts on them though, and it kinda ticked me off seeing that web address being wasted by someone who wasn't posting on it. but anway, while doing this i found a women who put her "de-conversion" story (as we like to call it) on there. i really liked it and thought i'd share.

"I joined the LDS church at 15. My mother was very upset about it and thought my fling with the church wouldn’t last long. I went to Ricks, then on a mission then to BYU and then married in the temple. It wasn’t until very recently at 31 that I have left the church. My husband who comes from a TBM family left the church a year and a half ago, which broke my heart. I was pregnant at the time with our 3rd son, our oldest was 3 and our second son 1. Being exhausted and very emotional I tried hard not to think about the church because the anxiety would keep me up all night. I also was too tired to lug my big self and my two toddlers to church. The couple of times I did make it to church I nearly broke down in tears in front of every one. I was slowly and painfully letting go of dreams that had 15 years in the making.

Not attending church turned out to be very good for me. My mind started letting go of fear and I began to think for myself. It was tough because I had had many “spiritual experiences” and didn’t know what to do with them. I also felt like I had sacrificed a lot for the church. After I had joined the church my family and I moved to England and I was the only member on the military base. From that moment on if a friend or family member wasn’t a Mormon there seemed to be a huge wedge in our relationship. My mom was upset every time I took a large step towards the church (church schools, mission). The worst for her was when I married in the temple. She tried her hardest to be supportive.

The turning point for me wasn’t any of the history or even the DNA discoveries but it was an article I read on depression and Mormon women. When I read the article my mind did a complete shift, I felt like a huge thick veil was lifting from my mind. I could have stared at the wall for days if my kids didn’t need me. I forgot to send my four-year-old to preschool that day. Two days later I took off my garments and felt like I had lost 20 pounds. I felt so light and free and very excited. I am enjoying my new life and looking forward to the adventure ahead. It is nice not to pretend like I have all of the answers."
http://leavingmormonism.blogspot.com/

i really like how she doesn't have to point out all the flaws of the church history (very unlike me, which sometimes i doubt even doing). but for her it's all about how the church makes her feel. she just doesn't like it. i don't know if i mentioned this before, but i have said many times that even if the church turns out to be true, i just can't accept it. and i will not accept it. despite all the history and what not, the church doesn't make me feel good. i know it makes others feel good, and that's great. but the church doesn't make me feel good. and ultimately, that's why i left. after that, was when i started reading about history. i hope this clarifies me a little more.