honesty, truth, integrity and love

i would like to talk a little more about what i believe. since starting this new found realization of thoughts, feelings, and finding my own beliefs i have recognized that many things that i believe are similar to values that i have been raised with my whole life. many who leave the LDS church either (1) stray and believe completely the opposite of what that church teaches or (2) keep the core values personal and close to them and incorporate them into the continuation of their life. i'll let you decide which i am.

there are a few morals i hold near and dear. honesty, truth, integrity and love.

as mentioned in my previous post, i went several months with doubts in my heart and controversal thoughts in my mind. who knows how many months i knew for sure what i was doing wasn't what i believed. but there was at least two solid months where i knew i wouldn't have a testimony again and i knew that i didn't believe in this church. out of those two months i believe i attended church once or twice. i never said anything either way. i guarantee you, those who are reading, that the last time you may have seen me bear my testimony was at LEAST a year ago. so- out of these last two months, i guarantee i have not lied or mislead on my beliefs about the church. i simply refrained. i may have omited my feelings out of fear and respect to my dear friends who love the church. and although i have recently became passionate about honesty, i didn't explain my feelings for some time. i want it to be known that not being able to be honest with my feelings and beliefs was an extremely hard thing to do. i debated inside whether or not to even explain my feelings until after we moved away from lansing. i feared disappointment, rejection, loneliness, and judgement. but in the end i knew that being honest was the only thing to do. which is why i did tell my close friends my true feelings. honesty.

this is also connected with integrity. ironically the church teaches integrity very dilligentally. one of the young women values is integrity. every sunday for 4 years i stood up and said i believed in integrity. integrity basically means to base your actions on your beliefs. i continue to stand by my previous statement that the most i have ever shown integrity was when i choose to leave the church and tell my friends and family members. no matter how heart breaking that may have been. that, is integrity.

now going back to honesty. some may consider withholding truth, a form of lying. that depends. in some cases yes. in this case, the fact that i researched facts, feelings, and ideas for months on end on the most important issue in my life and then agonized about how i would tell my close friends, no. i wasn't lying. i do not consider myself a liar by any stretch of the imagination. the fact that i do tease and joke on a regular basis can be set aside. i have been told more lately than ever in my life that i am such an honest and truthful person that it's almost ridiculous. i am not obligated to tell everyone every thought that is on my mind. i have the right to retain information until i choose to announce major decisions in my life. it's your choice if you wish to consider me a liar. but let me tell you my friend- bad choice. i am not a liar. i cannot choose how people think of me, or make them believe me if they don't. usually when people decide to not believe me i just say fine. but ultimately, if you think of me as a liar than you just don't know me at all.

now- the concept of truth boils down to what i, along with everyone else in this world, know. it was when i realized that i could never say "i know the church is true" that i really began to embrace truth. no one can say the know the church is true. no one. and i can't say i know the church isn't true. but i choose to not believe it. and that's my choice. i believe that no one knows anything. it all boils down to what we choose to believe. i do believe in truth. there is truth. but we don't know what it is. and you can not say you do. i dare you to try. you will be wrong.

love. i told my family five days ago my feelings about the church. i haven't heard so much as a "how are you doing with all this?" from any of them. love is unconditional. and i don't think there is anyone who truely loves a human being who would argue against that statement. love is unconditional. if love is unconditional why do i feel like my parents are going to commit suicide because i chose to make my own decision regarding my religious beliefs? this is the second time i have chose to leave the church. the first time was out of laziness and i didn't know what i was doing, and even then- my dad ran away from home as a result of it (combined with some other family issues). i have a daughter who i LOVE. if she ended up choosing to have a sex change, be gay, move to afganistan, never marry, never have kids, or work at mcdonalds her whole life, i would still love her AND be proud of her. she is my daughter.

another concept about love. "as man is god once was, as god is man may become". this is a very well recited statement in the church. this is tied into the fact that god is our heavenly father. we are his children. many of us on this earth have been blessed with being able to bear and raise children. so i am logically assuming that the love we feel for our children is very similar in a minute way, to the way god feels about us- his children. if anything gods love for us should be 10 times the way we feel about our children. going back to when i explained the love for my daughter.... there isn't anything daphne could do that would make me not love her. if i am going to spend eternity with daphne, i want to be able to do that regardless of what she does or doesn't do. we are suppossed to be able to become gods. we are going to be gods, and populate earths. according to mormon doctorine. imagine the love we will feel for our children we will put on those earths. it will not be unlike the love we feel for our current earthly children. could you imagine telling your children that if they didn't do certain things, or if they did certain things, than they cannot and will not spend eternity with you. that is a horrible thought and a horrible belief. there is a lyric from a song john pointed out that fits well: "who'd wanna be such an asshole? who'd wanna be such a control freak?" if you'd like you should check out the rest of the lyrics here, it's pretty amazing. love is unconditional. overall, that statement is pretty much accepted by everyone.... almost.

these values i hold close to my heart. honesty, truth, integrity and love. this is how i have interpreted them and this is what i believe.