a life long struggle, By AMBERLY

Some of my previous posts, I admit, were seemingly full of anger. This may seem a little confusing especially when i seem to also portray an image that everyone is entitled to believe what they want, and no one should care. i tried really hard to just leave it all alone and to just go on my way, but i couldn't. i had to make a blog and express my feelings. i have been thinking a lot lately about why i feel this way. it wasn't until last week when i finally talked to my dad that i realized something. i realized it the moment i started speaking the words. and i don't know why i never realized that i should say this before, or to even say it to my mom. but what i realized was this: i have had a life long struggle with mormonism. let me explain.


Growing up, i never had a firm and faithful testimony of the church. Some of you may or may not know that. Most of you know i left the church at 18 for a period of 3 years. But, this starts way before then. Growing up, i hated going to church. i hated praying on my own, reading the scriptures on my own-or with my family, i hated family night, i pretty much hated anything that had to do with the church. i didn't care, and felt like it was a waste of my time. i only did these things because my parents made me and i knew if i didn't do them i would get in trouble. I don’t feel I chose to be baptized. I did it because I was supposed to and everyone else in my primary class was doing it. There was just not choice in the matter. i hated going to mutual, young women’s, seminary and other church activities and firesides. And i especially hated girl’s camp. The only thing i remotely liked doing, was going to the dances. i hated that i couldn't wear tank tops or date boys until i was 16. i broke every rule set for me. i started having boyfriends when i was 12, and occasionally snuck out in tank tops. i experimented with cigarettes at 13.


When i got into high school it only progressed. i went to seminary because i HAD to. It wasn't until i could drive myself that i started ditching almost ALL of the time. i felt like at school, i didn't portray myself as a Mormon at all. i hated that i couldn't wear a two piece bathing suit or a prom dress that showed my shoulders. i thought it was so lame that all my prom dresses had to be altered to cover me up and then sport them around at the prom- i felt ridiculous. By the age of 18 i had no testimony, resented my parents, and wanted out of the house. i don't fully blame my parents for this, but i honestly feel that they shouldn't not put some of the blame on themselves. They just sent us off to church and seminary and expected us to learn everything for ourselves. They never took the time to teach us separately or give us their insight. The most I ever remember them trying to teach us the gospel themselves, was when we got those cartoon Book of Mormon tapes. We would watch them for family night. Also, one time we “read” the book of Mormon as a family so we could go to Disneyland. I vividly remember laying my head down and trying to sleep because I was so bored as we sat in a circle and read aloud. i never felt that my home was a place where "the spirit was" as they say. Home and all things church related were completely separate for me.

I don’t see how any of this is completely my fault. I didn’t understand anything I was doing because no one took the time to explain this stuff to me individually. I didn’t get it at all! It was like I was sent off to all these meetings and was just supposed to get it. I didn’t.


But all this time, growing up and feeling all these feelings, i felt like i knew the church was true, i just had a hard time "knowing" it was. Like, i was too weak to follow the commandments. i always felt guilty for what i was doing. i always felt like i was going to be punished in the next life for what i did. It was as if Mormonism was the only possible explanation for everything, so it had to be true. i wasn't taught anything else, just what the church teaches. So that's all i knew. It was just too hard to follow.

I left the church at 18 out of pure desire to be able to do whatever I wanted. I wasn’t under my parents rule anymore and could make my own choices. Even then, I went about my life as a “non-Mormon” but knew somehow that what I was doing went against everything I was taught and that I was sinning. Not only that but that I would again, be punished in the afterlife. How is one not supposed to feel this way when that is what they are taught their whole life? I justified it by reasoning out that I would at least make it to the telestial kingdom because Joseph Smith himself said that kingdom was for murderers and the like, and that it was so nice he would kill himself just to go there. I knew I wasn’t as bad as a murderer, so I could at least go to some sort of heaven that was supposedly terrific.

I spent those three years partying and working to make ends meat.

I knew my parents were disappointed in me, and that was hard to live with. But, approaching the age of 21 and seeing some friends who were my age graduating from college and having real jobs made me feel like my life was meaningless. I was also a smoker and felt like I was just gross. I felt like I needed a change. At that point I met John who was an upstanding Mormon. Hanging out with him, which meant not drinking or smoking (which I was already trying to give up) was refreshing. He introduced me to some of his friends and I soon found myself on a different road. It felt good. John helped me out with scheduling some classes at the local college (I had already registered though). I felt happy, like I was finally getting somewhere. In the mix of all that, John and one of his friends decided to start talking to me about the gospel. The closest in my life I have ever gotten to feeling any kind of confirmation of truth or what not, was a comment John’s friend made in relation to God. At that point I decided to give Mormonism a try.

Shortly after that John and I started dating. At this point I still had never read the BOM and really didn’t have a “testimony”. I was impressed by John, happy that my parents were proud of me because I was coming back to church and dating an upstanding Mormon, and felt refreshed about my change. I did all the steps necessary to finally gain my own personally testimony of the Church. I read the BOM and prayed. I still never felt anything, but kept going through this process in hopes that it would come. I felt like this is what I was supposed to be doing and that everything would fall into place.

I still had very little knowledge of the gospel and noticed that I was starting to hear things in church that I never heard before. People were using terms and phrases I didn’t know about. I almost felt like a fish out of water. But, I kept praying and followed all of the commandments faithfully in hopes that I would someday get it. John and I got married shortly after, and had Daphne shortly after that.

It only got harder after having a baby because I wasn’t able to pay attention in Church as I had before. I also started having questions about lots and lots of things. I would ask John. John was just so shocked at how little I knew about the Church. It was almost like I was a new convert. Soon, I started getting questions that John didn’t know the answer to.

Not only that, but I started figuring out all the facts about the Church that you can only find if you dig around for them. When I started asking John about the information I knew, he was taken back and couldn’t figure it out either.

I felt like I had been given this extremely washed out version of the gospel my whole life. I never knew or was never taught the deep doctrine that made up the church. I felt like I was fed half truths my whole life. I felt duped, lied to, mislead, and taken advantage of.

I started to realize all these things about my life that I have written here on this blog. I never did have a testimony of the church. Ever. At first, it was that I HAD to have a testimony of the church, and then it was that I WANTED to have a testimony of the church. Mormonism has always been a struggle for me; a life long struggle. I feel now that something inside of me was trying to keep me away from the church. Like somehow inside I knew it wasn’t true. I hate to say this, but I’ve said it before- it’s almost like I have been gay my whole life, but at the same time, my whole life I have been told to not be gay. And now I’m realizing that I’m just gay.

I’m not gay though. Just so you know.

Ever since I have been able to realize this about myself, it's as if a ton of bricks is off my back. I feel like it all makes sense now. I feel like I am living my life as I am suppossed to. I am being true to myself and am thinking for myself. It is such a liberating and ironically a "spiritual" experience.

I hope this helps you all understand why this has been so hard for me. I really feel like through my upbringing I was manipulated to be Mormon. I never ever had a choice. I am so glad that my little Daphne gets to have a choice. What a happy life she will have. Even if she’s gay.