many clarifications, By AMBERLY

I feel like I need to clarify a few things. Well, many things. Many of you ask: Why did I create this blog? The first reason, to vent. You who are LDS are surrounded by people who believe the same as you and are free to openly discuss your beliefs whenever you’d like. Furthermore, you have one day a month where you can stand at a pulpit and declare what you believe with acceptance. I do not have that. I feel that this blog is my way of saying what I believe in an appropriate manner. Because I don't care if no one reads it. I am not making anyone read it. I am just putting it out there. I feel like if I have typed it out, my opinions would have been heard by at least someone.

The second reason is that for those who were interested in understanding what I believe and why I left the church, could anonymously find out without having to ask me. I know that it is an uncomfortable situation and I just thought this was an easy way to generally address the public about what I did and why I did it. I did not create this blog to try to entice my LDS friends to become non-members. In addition, I’m pretty sure that it is obvious to see what this blog is about. There is a disclaimer at the top for those of you who might get offended. Don’t read if you are not going to understand, get offended, or not like me. One last thing I’d like to say, is that people are getting good out of this blog. I didn’t make this blog for that reason, but it has turned out that way, which is another reason why I will continue to blog. I will just try to do it more respectfully.

I want to make a clarification about the testimonies my friends bore and the comment I made about it in a previous post. In my post I said:
“i was touched though to see all my friends go up and "bear a testimony" this sunday, which was probably the first time i have seen ANY of them do it. the sunday after i tell them i don't believe anymore. i am just touched to see them happy. hey- if going up and crying at the pulpit makes you happy, that's cool. i cry at peanut butter commericals. it makes me feel better inside. like i have "feelings". i can say i'm sensitive now because i cried at a peanut butter commercial.”

I was not belittling their testimonies. I think it’s great to feel so emotional about something it makes you cry. I think my statement is made clear by my last portion of the comment. I do get emotional at much, but just thought it was funny for me to get emotional at a peanut butter commercial. It was touching.

I need to update on some other things. I may not be as open minded as I originally thought. I still wanted to go to church to see my friends. And perhaps to learn things about the church I hadn’t known before- not to convert me back, but to further know what I don’t agree with. This is probably not the best reason to continue to go, so I’m not anymore. But we also went for times when we were going to speak with the bishop and to please our parents who begged us to keep trying.

A friend pointed out that I may have been more tolerant than open minded. As soon as that friend pointed that out, it made a lot of sense and I agree with that. I think the tolerance I had incorporates into my live and let live philosophy. I am going to live my life as a non-member, and that’s ok. You are going to live your live as a member and that’s ok too. So, I may not be as open minded as I thought.

I am not angry or resentful of the church. I feel that if I was resentful of the church, I would hate it and not go. Some of you may think I hate the church because of the posts I make. That is NOT the case. I post these to illustrate why I do not believe. Not because I hate the church.

Some may consider what I say to be “anti-Mormon”. I have an issue with the word “anti-Mormon”. I don’t think I really know what the definition of that word is. My definition is someone who hates the church and wants everyone to not be a part of it. I guess that because I don’t feel this way, I don’t consider myself anti-Mormon. Mormonism is just not for me, that’s not to mean that others can’t be happy in it.

If my literature and my thoughts make me sound anti-Mormon to you, that’s fine. I can understand why you might feel this way. I am going to try to be less vindictive against the church and simply express more stuff that is directly related to what I feel. But if you consider my blog to be anti-Mormon, that’s ok. I don’t necessarily agree or disagree with that.

My sister in law left the church about 4 years ago. Periodically she would post blogs on her myspace. I am her friend on myspace so I would obviously find them and read them. What she said upset me. I would get angry, type responses, and argue with her. I never understood why she posted those blogs. Now that I am in her position that she was in years ago, I completely understand. I also understand that as an LDS and a myspace user, it was I who made the choice to click on her blogs and read them. I had every opportunity to not read them. But I chose to read them anyway and ultimately I was the one who chose to get upset. It is my counsel that those of you who get offended by my posts to not read them. You are the one who letting yourself get upset. Like I said earlier, I post these blogs to vent. I have no one I can explain my feelings to who agrees and understands besides John and a few other people who I can occasionally talk to. I also post these blogs so for that those who wish to read and want to understand what I’m going through and believe in can do so. Either that or you can just ask me face to face.

I also want to clarify to some who may be thinking about the ramifications of my blog. I do understand that my actions here on this blog can get me excommunicated. I know that, and I don’t care if I get excommunicated. I am convinced that I do not believe in the Mormon Church. I go back and forth about whether or not to get my name removed, but if doing this blog gets me excommunicated, that’s fine too.

So I know that many of you have some frequently asked questions, as they say. A friend emailed us and openly asked us some questions. I admire that the friend did that. John typed up a response, which I still need to do as well for this friend, but I thought his answers are so accurate as to how I feel as well that I could post these questions and answers here.

Question 1: Do we deny the testimony we once had?
Answer: Yes we do. Why? Until recently we believed that because we had felt good on a few occasions at Church, we knew it was true. Nothing else mattered. Our spiritual experiences were proof. Now, however, we think what we were really experiencing were one of five things: (1) human love manifesting itself, (2) hard work paying off, (3) common sense, (4) psyching ourselves out because we want to believe, and (5) coincidence. We really think the first one – human love manifesting itself – is the ultimate spiritual experience. However, when you think about it, none of this proves anything. So, having decided that my “spiritual experiences” were no longer proof enough, everything else fell like a house of cards. We honestly believe that we were totally duped.

Question 2: Do we deny Jesus Christ is the son of God and my redeemer (or in other words, do we believe that Jesus Christ was just a man?).
Answer: Yes. At this time, we do not think Jesus Christ was anymore than a reformist. The 4 gospels were written several decades after his death. We think he was a reformist who was crucified. We think that his followers idolized him and made a religion out of him. We truly believe (as of right now) that Jesus Christ would also deny that he is the savior of the world if he was here right now. We think he is rolling over in his grave (tomb) thinking about what a nightmare Christianity is. He was a human rights advocate, a liberal. He was a hippie. My kind of guy.

Question 3: What will we say when my child points to a picture of Jesus and says “Jesus.” What will we do? Furthermore, will Daphne be free to choose her religious beliefs, even if it’s Mormonism?
Answer: We’ll probably have pictures of Jesus in our home. For the most part, what he taught is very valuable to man kind. His biggest teaching was love. We think a lot of his teachings were added by the 4 gospel authors, but his main teachings – love, patience, virtue, etc., are what we believe in. If Daphne wants to believe that Jesus was the son of God, by all means. We want her to have her own religious beliefs, not mine. Even if it’s Mormonism.

Question 4: What will I tell the converts from my mission? (A question for just John)
Answer: I haven’t decided yet. But look, those people joined the Church not because of me, but because they felt like they needed something more in their lives to make them happy. If they are still happy in the Church, why would I go and bother them? I don’t really see a need to. If they ask me, I’ll simply tell them that I have left the Church and if they aren’t happy with the Church, then I’d be more than happy to explain why.

Question 5: Are we both truly completely united in this decision?
Answer: Absolutely yes. John said to Amberly a few months ago, “I don’t think the Church is true.” She said, “I think you know it deep down inside.” John stuck with that for a couple weeks. Than he said, “No, I really don’t believe the Church is true.” Amberly said, “me too.” It turns out we’ve both been dealing with this for a while and independently, yet somehow simultaneously, came to the same conclusion – that’s it’s just not true.

Question 6: Why have I still come to Church? Why did you make light of our testimonies?
Answer: We came to Church on fast Sunday because President Hinkle (Stake presidency) and Bishop Willie wanted to speak with us. John did not blog about your testimonies, Amberly did so refer to her answers in the blog. We did notice you all share your testimonies for the first time in a long time. If we (Amberly) did or said anything to belittle the sincerity of your testimony, we apologize. We believe that religious feelings are important and we don’t want you to feel like you can’t share them without being mocked. But regarding us going to Church, we have decided that we very much dislike going to Church. It is so boring and we disagree with everything they say.

Question 7: Do I believe in Satan? God?
Answer: John is sure that he doesn’t believe in Satan. Amberly is a little less sure. Of course we believe in God. How else are we here? So do we believe in that fact that he is a Heavenly Father? We are not sure. We just don’t know. John’s train of thought is: “Can I pray? No. The only answer I could get is “yes.” Think about it. If God isn’t there, he won’t answer, so I’ll never get a “no.” The only answer I can get is “yes.” I think that is a biased test. Therefore, I am just going to have to look for him.” Now that there is no middle man (The Church) telling us who God is and what he wants of us, we feel like we can really get to know him/her/it. The God we believe in doesn’t require anyone to die for the sins of mankind. The God we believe in would be proud of children no matter what. It doesn’t matter that their gay or whatever. He loves them.

Question 8: Why be good if there is no God?
Answer: One word – LOVE. We love life. We love my family. We love you. We love humanity. We love this planet. If we want to enjoy this life, we should be good people. When we say good people, we mean that we need to be good to one another so that we can all enjoy this experience, because who knows, it may just be the end. Let’s try to make it last as long as possible by being healthy and taking care of our environment. Let’s avoid war and murder because death may just be the end. Let’s avoid oppression, because who wants to live their life oppressed? Not me. Let’s be more like the real Jesus – feed the poor, help the sick, love, give, etc. Let’s be humanitarians. That’s who Jesus was. So, why be good? LOVE. Love is our religion. Here’s an interesting though: What’s more moral than a moral atheist? Who’s more selfless – the atheist who is good regardless of whether there is a God? OR the Christian or Mormon who is only good because he wants to go to heaven? In our opinion – the atheist. It’s called selflessness. Who taught selflessness? Jesus Christ taught selflessness. He taught us to be good for the sake of being good. Be good because you love, not because you want a reward. If you don’t understand that, then you should definitely stay religious. Because religion will help you enjoy your life and keep you from being bad. Anyone who thinks “why be good if there is no God” is a confirmation to our belief that religion is simply a means to control men into behaving civilly. And honestly, there’s no problem with that. We like it when people are civil.

But ultimately we do believe in God. We believe that we can be just as good, if not better, not being in the church than when we were in the church. People can be good if they are not Mormon.

Question 9: Why not give it more time and try to be obedient?
Answer: We have not only done it a majority of our lives, but have sincerely tried the last few months. We paid tithing, wore our garments, went to church, sustained our leaders, kept the word of wisdom, prayed, read the BOM, fasted, etc. And we are not going to keep on doing it. Why? We just can’t give 10% of my money to something we truly believe is a lie. We’d rather give it to the ACLU or to Idol Gives Back. We are not going to waste another Sunday going to Church and keeping the rest of the day Holy. What a waste of life. We are not going to withhold from certain drinks that Mormonism teaches is sin. We really enjoy drinking alcohol, coffee, and tea. We believe it should be done in moderation so that we can enjoy a full life. But we believe that life is to be experienced, and why would we avoid such an awesome experience. The taste and feeling of alcoholic beverages is so remarkable that if we were God, we would get really pissed off if what we created was refused to be enjoyed. We feel the same way about coffee and tea. Those things are absolutely wonderful; but like we said, in MODERATION. John is less addicted to caffeine now, than he was as an active member. We truly believe in self-control and moderation more than ever. We are not going to wear our garments. They are uncomfortable and they make you sweat. And they look ridiculous.

If there are any more questions, feel free to submit them if you want them answered. If you can and want to submit them anonymously feel free to do so. I know that a lot of people are curious and weirded out and have questions. And apparently we are the topic of conversation lately. We are flattered we are being talked about so much. We just want to put it out there that you can talk TO us as well. There isn’t anything you could ask that would be too offensive or weird.

In closing I want to add that there is much more that I have passionate feelings about that I am planning on posting; one having to do with tithing, so stay tuned. But please keep in mind this: We are not going to talk to you about our beliefs unless you ask. Just think of us as your Non-Member friends; because we are not trying to be anti-Mormons. We are just NON-MEMBERS. We promise you that if you remain our friends, we will respect you full heartedly even though we completely disagree with your religion. But you clicking on the link for my blog is like you asking.